You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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