I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
