I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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