he wants to bone in the snuggie
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize