I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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