Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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