You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
