This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
