I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
