Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
