I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
