mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
