Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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