The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
