My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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