I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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