If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
