Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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