dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
