it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
