wakey wakey hands off snakey
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
