this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
