You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
