Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
you had me at cake vodka
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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