I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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