Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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