mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
