is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he thought i was a dude.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
