I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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