Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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