Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
