I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize