i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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