I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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