a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
The ass gains better be worth it
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