I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
