thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize