Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Randomize
