If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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