The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
