quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
