I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
