I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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