i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Found your dick twin last night
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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