Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
This baby is an asshole
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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