Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize