oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
