I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
