You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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