He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I am midnight drunk by noon
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
