I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
