There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
wow bdsm is so cute
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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