He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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