that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
