Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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