He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
