I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
