you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
