walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
