i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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