I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
