Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize