LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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