remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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