I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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