...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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