my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
