...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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