I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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