Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
