Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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