repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize