So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize