It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
