Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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